A Christmas column. To say I love you.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010 at 12:38PM
Just stop it okay? Listen to me. Christmas is fine as long as you take the position that it’s going to be shit. The motto should be Christmas! The perfect time to spend with family. Just not your own family.
And that’s the true beauty of Christmas. Be warm in the knowledge that as much as you’re dreading spending Christmas with someone, there’s someone out there dreading spending it with you! Yes, you! As you’re shuffling, long faced, hunched shoulders and full of oppressed rage around some soulless multiplex trying to work out what you can buy that looks more expensive than it is for someone you loathe, there’s someone picking through a discontinued, soiled or damaged table doing the same for you! Nothing says “I don’t like you or have any idea who you are but lack the creativity and courage to come up with an alternative” like a regifted box of broken Danish shortbread past its use by date, a calendar or a sports towel. Whatever that is. I think it’s a towel of hate.
Last minute Christmas idea? Euthanise yourself!
What makes Christmas jar so much is all the images of the perfect family, which confront the experience we have of our own families. The relentless assault of commercials of relations who appear genuinely joyful to see each other, clean houses and domestic bliss can’t help but make us come to the conclusion that we’re shit.
You’re not alone if your response to these images is “That’s not how it is at our place. By 2pm, Mum’s packing the dishwasher – with tears pouring down her face after receiving six books she already has. Dad’s collapsed in the Jason Recliner rocker wearing a paper crown after a pissing competition with Uncle Neville, who’s stormed off with his new Asian wife. Mum’s sister Nancy found texts on dad’s phone from some woman called Amber. Mum’s her other sister Rehab Shirley just called their 86 year old mother a cunt. Which she is. The sisters-in-law are all secretly texting each other about the quality of the desserts and the amount spent on gifts after they’ve taken snaps of them and posted them on eBay. The brothers are playing out their sibling rivalry and mummy issues with backyard cricket. “Over the fence is out. And why were you breastfed longer than me? Sorry, didn’t mean to knee your son in the nuts.” The brother-in -laws are huddled out near the shed, conflicted about all agreeing their 12 year niece is hot. Then they realize one of them is her father.” [ED: Note to self - must attend Deveny family Christmas before I die]
It’s worthwhile reminding ourselves that the happy families force fed to us by the media are actors. No one would do that for free. Those people who say, “I love Christmas!” You know what that makes me think? How shit the rest of their life must be.
But the images do make us think, “We must be the only family riddled with passive aggression, corrosion, disappointment, secrets and resentment.” Guess what? Good news! We’re all dysfunctional! And the more functional a family appears, the more dysfunctional they are! No, I’m not bitter. I am happy and released in the truth. Life is so much easier with realistic expectations. Come on board the sanity boat, there’s plenty of room. And heaps of grog.
I have for many years said having children and a vagina means December is spent being a slave and an emotional potty for most of the month. Yes that’s right. Christmas, turning back feminism 150 years.
(WARNING SALIENT POINT COMING. DON’T WORRY. IT’S ONLY A PARAGRAPH – THAT’S LIKE FOUR TWEETS – THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE COLUMN)
The amount of unpaid labor done by women at this time of year is astonishing. The blokes may pick up the ice, mow the lawn and carve the ham but I challenge you to look around on Christmas day and seriously work out how much of the food, thought, purchasing, organizing, cleaning, wrapping and social lubricant is provided by the women. Take away the woman’s effort and then see what you’re left with. No wonder they all chuck barneys, do their block and double their medication. That’s my excuse anyway.
(THERE ENDETH THE PILL IN THE DOG FOOD)
Apropos Santa. Listen, he’s real, just ask my kids. As if I’d spend all that money and effort buying presents for my ungrateful whinging little maggots.
Small segueway here – what’s the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stops after three hos.
The child psychology funbusters out there are now telling us parents that we should tell kids ‘the truth about Santa’ That’s right. According to them it’s ‘bad’ to ‘lie’ to our ‘children.’ Lying to our children? Back off. Parents do it all the time. It’s the only fun we have.
For example:
- “Mummy and Daddy love each other.” Crap.
- “The best presents are the made ones.” Wrong. The best presents are the large expensive ones that your father would have bought me if he wasn’t a bludging useless loser addicted to porn.
- “I love you kids all the same.” Not true. I’m a mother. I know. We have favorites. Get over it. And you know who my favorite is? The kid next door because he’s cute, he doesn’t have nits and he doesn’t call me a fat maggot.
- “Uncle Randy jumps out the window when Daddy comes home because he’s a kangaroo.” Not true. He jumps out of the window because he’s a root rat.
- “If the wind changes you’ll stay like that.” That is actually true. But there is no need to worry. You’re ugly anyway.
- “The gelati van plays the music when it runs our of ice cream.” Lie. Truth? Mummy is a mean tightarse who hates kids. Especially her own.
The truth about Santa? Santa is an anagram of Satan. Oh yeah, and if you play Rudolf The Red Nose Reindeer, it basically says “Satan is Lord, Satan is Lord.” It sounds exactly like Nickelback.
Merry Christmas
Here's something to cheer you up! Check out my podcast Stay On Your Flower with Clementine Ford.
Reader Comments (14)
I worry about bitter people like you. There are actually people out there who not only lead a really fun, interesting, and and fulfilling life, but also love christmas. There are actually people out there that can't wait to see all the relatives during the holidays.
I'm one of those people. Sure i don't look like one of the models paid to be in a commercial (i spend about 45 mins a year in the gym so it's only my fault!) but i do have the cheesy grin all week long. I do hug my aunty with warmth and enthusiasm because i love her and can't wait to talk to her. I get to spend less and less time with the people i love (my family) these days as i try and fit more and more things on my plate, but when i do get that amazing opportunity to have them all in the same place at one time i love it.
Sure there are times during most years Christmas' that a drama comes up or one of the kids puts his teeth teeth through his lip but that's life. The dramas get laughed at the next year and the kid would have lost the tooth eventually anyway and the scar on his lip takes the focus off his red hair so everyone wins.
I don't think I'm entirely on my own here despite knowing that many of your readers are very similar to you, and so probably end up in a similar situation as you. My girlfriend is also like me. Perhaps my relatives do dread seeing me, but i can't speak for them. They appear to love nothing more than sitting down and talking to me though so i can only go on that for now.
I do agree with you about the presents though. We long ago left the idea of giving presents to everyone and now we just buy for the kids. It's a far better feeling sitting around watching their faces light up at each and every present they get than it is opening your fourth packet of underwear.
Perhaps it's that you are the one that's bitter and hates this time of year. I ask you, why do you even bother going? If you don't enjoy it why not sit at home with a wine and watch farmer wants a wife (or insert whatever show turns you on)? I'm betting by the way you wrote this article that none of your family is going to miss you anyway. Why not spend the few days and do something productive?
I think people have a genuine love of complaining and drama in their lives. That seems to be the bulk of your work as well so I'm not far off the mark. And the small irony is it looks as though I'm complaining about you so that's weird. Don't take this as me complaining though, because i did enjoy your article. For some reason listening to how bad you have Christmas somehow makes mine seem even better. Life is about contrasts and you've given me a nice one to start my Christmas off with.
Cheers and merry (or not) Christmas,
Trav
Ignore her Trav she probably thinks her writing is edgy and brave, sadly most of her writing is just boring and predictable, it used to be somewhat funy, now however its just the same old. No wonder theAge sacked her at the first chance they got.
@ the comments above: lol, troll harder dudes. xD
@CD: I enjoyed reading this peice, especially the hyperbolic description of your "family". Similar to Trev, i think having read it makes the looming annual bunfight in the loonybin easier to contemplate. Also the fact that my partner and i have hired a car for a quick getaway.
Wow, it's amazing how people are able to craft (mostly) coherent comments to articles like these but have somehow completely failed to understand the word SATIRE. Love your CD, keep it up
Best media piece of the week - actually no, that would be the pissfest that is the AFL. We're pretending we're out of the country so we don't have to a) see my evil witch of a Grandmother b) buy my vulturous, grasping relatives presents that then appear in the local secondhand shop a week later and c) enjoy a day in the pool, eat what we want off disposable plates and not have to talk to anyone. Christmas is slavery - roll on New Years.
I love this column. Yes I saw aspects of my own family in this column. Not to mention my outlaws. Gawd I laughed and passed it on to my family!!! You are so right, women do all of the work for Christmas and didn't I remind my husband of that tonight!
And you are right about 'the perfect family pictures' in advertising and magazine spreads; all designed to sell stuff and make us feel yearn for shiny teeth, smooth hair perfection. What crap. No-one can live up to that.
I will enjoy Christmas but I am going to enjoy complaining about it too. And I will have a laugh and wish I was somewhere else. But what would be the fun in that?
Trav you do realise it is satire don't you? that CD is a pretty normal person who does not actually feel this way. She is a comedian and has captured on what can happen at xmas time for some people. What part of comedian do some people not understand. I am so glad that I do not have a sap of a hubby he gets me to do all the work that would be horrible I have seen it. No in our house it is both of us then again we are also atheist and do not subscribe to any religious bs. Thanks for your column xmas is not a time of feeling great many people feel crap at this time of year.
Of course this is satirical. CD is actually a devout worshipper and a regular churchgoer who is, as it turns out, up for ordination at the end of next year. And irony? What could possibly be more ironic than comedy that fails to amuse? Humour that isn't funny? We're dealing with a master here. This is very sophisticated stuff.
Lots of fun and wit here but would love to know do you celebrate Christmas with your family? I'd love to see more people who think like you do about Christmas stop celebrating this bullshit celebration. It is, as we know, for retail benefit only and leaves many people feeling miserable, lonely, broke, and as you say, like shit. Not to mention the tonnes of crap it leaves behind making more pollution and wasting more carbon emissions producing and transporting all the crap. Oh, but we can't let the kiddies down, can we. Life is that bad we need a dumb celebration to dedicate our whole year looking forward to it.
Fantastic! Satire or not, it's pretty accurate for many. Especially the extra workload stuff, god that bugs me!! My daughter is 14 so only a few more years of this charade I reckon... Thanks CD.
I didn't find the bit about 'unpaid labor' the least bit satirical....it is so totally on the money.
Seems the editor read enough to make a funny interjection but did not pick up the numerous typos, nor the fact that segueway is not a word.
Otherwise, another witty and relevant piece of social commentary.
And you did blast the ball into the back of the net with that gelati truck music gag. Awesome.
Have you been spying on my family?
Seriously, the thing that irks me about Xmas is the rabid insistence that you MUST be merry, and it's a LOVELY time and what are you so anxious about - it's your family and they love you, and you should feel totally comfortable with spending long, boring hours with them on your day off. Where you could be eating pizza and drinking beer naked in the backyard. Instead your sister is having a go about your alcohol intake, the conversation is stilted and your mum is making pointed remarks about how thin you 'used' to be. Don't even get me started on the Xmas tat, the terrible TV, the frigging horrible Xmas songs, the crowds and the horrors of gift shopping. And the Myer Xmas windows. So crap, and just what we need, more crowds in the city.
My in-laws do wonderful Xmas parties but it's due to the massive amount of work put in by my lovely mum in law, who does everything - decorating, gift buying and wrapping, cooking for people with special dietary needs. Jesus it's good, but so much work goes into it. Plus it's in Port Douglas.
I have a loving family of 3, and my Christmas is rather removed from this, but even so, I think some people missed the joke.... I enjoyed this and laughed aloud. Thanks!