Australian Citizenship Tests
Tuesday, January 25, 2011 at 5:56PM You can shove your citizenship test up your poxy date. No one has the right to decide what being Australian is. I was born here and I have no idea. But I do know what it isn’t, and what being Australian isn’t is testing people on what they know about some white pen-pusher’s idea of Australia. This is the country whose citizens pride themselves on not knowing the words to their own country’s anthem.
If I wanted to be an Australian citizen and I was told that I had to pass a test first, I’d bugger off to New Zealand.
Who are we trying to keep out with this test? How will knowing the name of Australia’s first prime minister or the date of federation keep out terrorists, wankers or bludgers? The citizenship test questions are irrelevant and offensive.
Here’s my citizenship test. And if you don’t like it, you can rack off and go back to your own country. You know what the most un-Australian thing in the world is? Migrants. And we don’t want them coming here with their fancy food, classy culture, rich traditions and willingness to contribute.
LANGUAGE
. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term “died in the arse”?
. What is a mole?
. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?
. Explain the following passage: “In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevvies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie-down we opened the
pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biff o.”
CUSTOMS
. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person consume on average between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?
. Complete the following sentences: a) If the van’s rockin’ don’t bother … b) You’re going home in the back of a … c) Fair suck of the …
. I’ve had a gutful and I can’t be fagged. Discuss.
. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?
. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard “up on blocks”? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl?
FOOD
. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?
. What are the ingredients in a rissole?
. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.
. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup?
. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else’s beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice?
. When you go to a bring-your-own-meat Barbie, can you eat other people’s meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?
. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter “b” is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?
CULTURE
. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?
. Is it possible to “prang a car” while doing “circle work”?
. Who would you like to crack on to?
. Who is the most Australian: Kevin “Bloody” Wilson, John “True Blue” Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?
. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?
. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan?
The people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock and cheat. Suffer in your jocks.
Reader Comments (6)
It's moll, not mole!
Hi Catherine,
I think the post may be funny but I am an Australian Citizen (2 years ago) and took the test and liked it, I like that I was made to study a bit of history of the country and the political organization. Nothing bad with that.
The jokes you put are very "white" I have white australian friends that laugh at that and some actually speak like that but other autralians like me which come from other backgrounds don't talk like that and apart from finding it a bit interesting have no interest in switching to that language.
Today I am going to a Latinoamerican music free concert in the Sydney Myer Bowl, which is funded by the multicultural commision, most of my "white" australian friends are going and they are going to spend Australia day dancing salsa with us the australian latinos, that is Australia for me.
By the way I would like to take my girfriend to you Dog is Bullshit show, so I hope I win the tickets, she is german by the way (hopefully will make her australian one day).
Paz y felicidad,
David
Love your posts and totally agree. As a non-white Australian, with dual citizenship with the mother country and family ties to another country, I get really pissed off whenever people question my loyalty on the basis of (1) which sporting team I support (2) my other passport or (3) being a migrant generally.
For me, there are only three tests of being an Australian:
1. Obey the laws.
2. Pay your taxes,
3. Vote in elections.
If you do all three of the above, then you are a fellow Australian and everything else is up for grabs: food, what language you speak at home, music, clothes, religion.
Of course, this means there are a few whiteys out there who probably deserve to be deported back to some other place...
I actually just found out today that the only Indigenous related question is something to do with guessing the statistical proportion of Indigenous people in the country. No, seriously.
Take the piss = English
Bevvy = English
If the van's etc = American
Can't be fagged = English
Wedgie = American
Crock = American
I'm such a nerd. When you asked what a mole was, all I could think of was Avagadro's number.