Kids Should Be Banned From Cafes. Don't argue, I'm right. 

What's with the babychino?

Why do children have to pretend to drink coffee?

If it's an attempt to convince yourself others view your kids as cultured, continental and worldly, here's a flash for you. If these kids were actually in Europe (and not at some shopping centre food court where the bain marie food is marked 'gourmet') not only would the kids be drinking ACTUAL coffee, but it would include a generous tipple of Marsala. And they'd enjoy their caffeine transportation vehicle with a cigarette. No filter. Or a magic cookie if it was Amsterdam.

And they wouldn't have names like Tay-Lah, Maverick or Shenaid. Just saying.

Here's a question for you. What the fork are kids doing in cafes anyway? Anyone? Thugs, grubs, louts and yobbos every single one of them. Get 'em out. I didn't send my kids to childcare so I could go to cafes and pretend I didn't have children only for my fantasy to be fractured by the pollution of the output of your issue and your revolting stench of self congratulatory wankathon.

Why are the standards different for ejecting an adult than a child from a café or restaurant? I want zero tolerance policy. Seen not heard or smelt, felt or annoyed by otherwise, ‘the tribe has voted and it’s time to go….. Briannahannha.’

Actually not seen either. Because no, I do not want to play "Peekaboo" with your ugly dumb 18 month old ratfaced. I hate my own kids. Imagine what I think about your's.  

If an adult was trashing the place, screaming and throwing food around you’d chuck 'em out. Why not kids? 

'Kids don't like cafes. They way you can tell is by the screaming.' Kitty Flanagan.

That smug look on the mum's faces (yes it's always and only the mum's faces. Dads do take kids to cafes but for reasons unknown aren't smug) when they ram through the door with their giant monster truck prams, makes me want to slap them. Mother and child. That smug look says 'My child is so cultured, well behaved and au fait with eating out, and I’m such a stylish yet earthy mother we're more or less French.'

No you're not. You've spent your life wishing you were cool. You're one of those 'I'm not in a band but I've got friends in a band' people who send your kids to a secondary school where students don't wear uniforms in hope they will somehow be infected with cool. Won’t happen.

'The heaviest burden a child carries is the unlived life of their parents' Carl Yung.

These days parents can't walk out the door with their kids to nip out and post a letter without hummus, crudités, filtered water, rice crackers, Burcher muesli, homemade muffins (AKA cake) organic yoghurt without permeates, fruit salad and some falafel wraps with pesto from the farmers fucking market. 

As a child in the 70's you know what my parents would bring for us five kids to eat and drink on a four-hour car journey? Guess?


And you know what we got when we arrived? Water from the tap. Or a cup of cordial, if it was your birthday.

What's with the 'kids menus' too? It used to be just a menu with food. Not a kids’ menu with kids’ food. These same parents who travel with plastic containers, zip lock bags and non-porous bottle for healthy snacks and refreshments for their precious gifted children who have 'very adult palates' and 'eat anything’ are always the first asking for the 'kids menus'. (Or worse stilll BRING THEIR OWN FOOD TO THE CAFE FOR THEIR CHILDREN TO EAT) They give the waiter 'the special look' that conveys to the waiter to act as if their children are incredibly advanced, well behaved and dare I say ‘gifted’ and if the waiter themselves has never encountered such enchanting children no matter what mouth breathing, chinless morons they are.

Back in the 70's eating out as a kid meant a picnic or a barbeque in the back yard.

In the 70s we ate tomato sauce sandwiches, we ate jelly crystal sandwiches, we ate hundreds and thousands sandwiches. That’s all we ate. Milo and Cornflakes were considered health food. ‘Tang and Fruit Loops for breakfast? Why not, it’s 1979!’

This kids in café thing is bullshit. Back in my day we knew our place.  At home with the mother’s group, a Boston bun and one Ikea catalogue between eight of us while we sat round whinging about husbands and talking about our vaginas. Go back home and leave the cafes to people like us pretending we’re cool and we don’t have kids.

I don’t give a stuff what you think. I don’t need anyone to agree with me to know I’m right. But I could do with a latte…..


Is there someone in your life who wants to write, keeps saying they are going to write but still can't pull their finger out?
Or perhaps is it you?
Fuck reading, make this the summer of writing. Beginners welcome.
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Exposure? Shove it. Show Me The Money

Two things.  Never work for free.  Never ask anyone to work for free. Got it? Good.

Ilike many freelancers, constantly get requests from businesses to work for free. It’s offensive, rude and unprofessional. And very, very common. And not just grass roots groups, multi-national corporations.

Let me share with you yesterday’s request which was typical. Sad truth is the companies and businesses calling themselves feminist are the worst. I receive weekly “can you come and talk about women being shafted and by the way we’ll shaft you” emails.



Insurance Is A Health Hazard

I’m deeply opposed to insurance (apart from the basics, home and car).  Life insurance, health insurance, disability insurance, income protection insurance… the list is endless.

The culture of insurance quashes people’s innovation, resilience, creativity and self-reliance. It gives people an illusion of safety and certainty. It stops people thinking. And risk taking. It stops people living their lives. It makes people believe money can solve everything. Well, everything that’s important. So you just work. Make the money and pay the insurance and everything will be okay. You don’t have to look after your health, your relationships, your emotional well-being or your career. You don’t have to continuously ask yourself the hard questions ‘what do I want now?’, ‘what do I need now?’, ‘what it best for me?’ or act on the responses.




The 'all porn all bad for all people all the time' argument is crap. 

The 'all porn is all bad for all people all the time' argument is crap.
Not only is it crap but it exposes how limited, scared, prejudiced, brainwashed and suffering from Stockholm Syndrome people are.
Here’s my problem with the current demonisation of porn argument. 
It’s steeped in the assumption that... 
1. There was no porn before the Internet.
2. The impact of all porn is only negative. And it is all the same for all people.
3. The only thing to ever make a negative impact on our sexuality (and it always and only makes a negative impact) is porn.
The things that have made the most negative impacts on my sexuality and that of most people I know have been....
1. Religion
2. Mainstream movies, commercial TV, advertising and traditional narrative.
3. The dysfunctional relationships and sexual oppression we grew up around. 
Most porn I have seen, and I am not and have never been a massive consumer of porn I have found hilarious, entertaining, educational and/or arousing. Even when it’s not my cup of tea, and occasionally confronting, it’s been educational, making me more understanding of the diversity in sexual expression, opened me up and given me ideas to broaden my own pleasure and helped me understand where my own boundaries are.
We need to embrace the idea of life long sex education (have a listen to my sex podcasts with sex therapist Cyndi Darnell here). It's only been during recent times that we are not seeing sex around us. Think about the small homes we shared, none of this bedroom for all with a door on it business.
Sex was happening around of it whether we were conscious of it or not. Sure not all of it healthy, buy sex nonetheless. 
I'm against misogyny, violence, dangerous and illegal work place practices and the oppression of people but I am not against porn. 
How is sex shameful (or better still the new fad word 'inappropriate')? How is it any different to eating, exersise or having a massage? 
Most of the 'science' I have read about porn and it's effect on people is flawed, problematic, uses poor methodology and/or reeks of confirmation bias. People are consuming more porn than ever and despite awareness and rates of reporting going up there is plenty to suggest rates of incidents are going down and understanding and embracing of the wonderful diversity of sexuality and sexual expression is blossoming in many places. Particularly amongst teenagers who are far more accepting, adventurous and less burdened with social expectation than the generations before. 
Sex addiction. Sure it's an issue. It's always been an issue, it's not a new issue. Some believe sex addiction is not a disorder but an excuse for people who do not want to take responsibility for their behaviour.  Sure, the internet makes access to porn easier and the incidents and severity may have increased, but perhaps it's the price to pay for liberation, acceptance and more please for all. Look at alcohol, food and information. Not all humans are not great at moderation and we are all wired differently and have our own personal battles to fight. 
And no, I don't by the 'all porn is all bad for all people all the time' argument any more than I buy the 'all porn is all good for all people all the time' argument. There is plenty of bad porn. There is also plenty of good porn. We need more good porn. 
The suggestion or flat out assertion that slut shaming, sexual abuse, pedophelia, misogyny etc is something 'new' and caused by this fad called 'porn' delivered by this evil invention caused by 'the internet' is hilarious. And exposes the people who embrace it as Scapegoat Hunters. 
And by the way, clothes don't make little girls 'slutty', we do. Clothes are clothes. Short shorts on girls are described as slutty when the same on little boys described as 'what they wear when then play footy'. 
The idea women and men (but women in particular) are being forced to behave in certain ways and perform certain acts due to pressures created by 'expectations' as something recent and caused by the internet makes you wonder if there is a cognitive dissonance epidemic. 
Human nature doen't change, it's only technology that does. 
Gay people have been marrying straights for centuries to fit in with what society told them was acceptable. Or becoming nuns and priests to slip under the net. 
Women have been expected to be the gate keepers of a men's sexuality and the sole cause of their sexaul behavior since Eve ate the apple. And continue to be. When I was four years old a 15 year old family friend got pregnant. The words used were 'she got herself pregnant' and 'he did the right thing by marrying her'. 
The frigid-cock tease-slut balance is one of time immemorial. So too misogyny and pedophelia. See thousand year old institutions like Catholic Church for further details.
Not only is the argument 'all porn, all bad, for all people, all the time' crap, if you consider the amount that we're all consuming porn at, more worringly it is deeply hypocritical. 
I'm against misogyny, violence and the oppression of people but I am not against porn. 
The Gunnas Writing Masterclass
Is there someone in your life who wants to write, keeps saying they are going to write but still can't pull their finger out?
Or perhaps is it you?
Have I got the perfect Christmas present sorted! November 2013 to February 2014 I will be running THE GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS at LA LUNA BISTRO CARLTON. No experience necessary! These classes suit beginners to advanced.
Fuck reading, make this the summer of writing. BOOK HERE. 



A Husband Is Not a Financial Plan, But Hustling Is. Well it has been for me

I’m a 45-year-old freelancer who’s never married, never had a full time job and never received a cent from my parents. I separated from the father of my three sons three years ago and now have a manageable mortgage on what was our five-bedroom home seven kilometres from Melbourne’s CBD. There is one name on the house title. Mine.......

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