I was born on Father’s Day.
My father died last year. Nothing has made me happier. He was a horrible man. A messer. A narcissist. I am glad and relieved he’s dead. I never let him meet my kids. I didn’t not go to his funeral. Today, my first Father’s Day without him is a celebration for me.
I liberated myself decades ago.
I know this day is hard and complicated for many people. It is you who are in my thoughts today.
Everyday I pay tribute to the amazing parents I see around me. Parents who are doing their very best despite being poorly parented or having challenging children.
And the children are doing incredible things and living amazing lives despite being poorly parented by horrible people.
Someone said to me yesterday ‘Your boys are great. You’ve done a great job’. I said ‘I take no credit. They are who they are. They got lucky to be born who they are.’
She tried to argue with me a little. I said,
‘You and I both know amazing parents with horrible kids and horrible parents with amazing kids. As a parent I decided to have children. I live up to my own idea of what that commitment and responsibilty is. How they turn out they turn out. I just need to know I have done my best. Lived up to my standards. The rest is up to them.’
Who or what your parents are is no refelction on who you are.
Who or what your children are is no refelction on who you are.
Loving someone for how they make you feel or what they do for you is one thing. Loving someome for who they are is something very different.
Being loved for how you make someome feel or what you do for someone is one thing. Being loved for who you are is something very different.
Clinging to the idea of the perfect Disney father is very damaging. For everyone. But particularly for those people who had abusive relationships. Trying to round an abusive or disfucntional relationship up to normal creates cognitive dissonance, damage and sets a terrible example of what love is, what relationships are and what ‘normal’ looks like.
I raise a glass to all the humans out there doing their best.
I see you and I thank you. You are making a difference to people who are not even born yet.