Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS WRITER.
A few years ago I read an article in The Age about the very high proportion of women changing their name on marrying. There are also lots of articles out there along the lines of “Why Young Women Don’t Believe They Need Feminism.” (Do your own googling, I’m too lazy to cite sources.) I have two questions; “Why are we only writing about women, rather than people, needing feminism?”, and “Why are men and women still expecting women to change their names?”
(Yes, I am just writing about heterosexual marriage, this time.)
When I started primary school Mum sewed little name-tags into my shorts – how a situation would arise where I might get my shorts confused with someone else’s I do not know, but labels were the rule. (They were little fabric tags that came on a roll – I still have the roll, which will no doubt serve me well when the time comes for a nursing home. But I digress.)
I concede that labelling shorts is not exactly the same thing as a woman changing her name to match her husband’s, but it’s a tradition that is completely rooted in the idea of women as property.
Let’s just accept for a moment the notion of marriage as an acceptable human relationship. (It is, but I appreciate that there’s plenty of fodder for discussion there.)
The current social discourse is entirely about women making a choice. The man’s role in the conversation is to sit somewhere on a continuum that ranges from “Of course you’ll change your name” to “I entirely respect your choice in the matter”. These men are duly awarded the “Pro-Feminist Badge of Honour”. Until the children arrive.
I’m still too lazy to look it up, but I’ve worked in maternal-infant health for a long time so I’m asserting that regardless of the mother’s name, almost all babies born into a stable relationship take their father’s name.
Children were property too. Sons “carried on the name”, daughters “married well” and produced heirs for their new family.
Women grow and birth babies. In this society, they do most of the parenting, regardless of how much time they also spend in the paid workforce. Their children carry marginally more than 50% maternal DNA (Google mitocondria) and when relationships dissolve they carry the overwhelming burden. (Individual mileage may vary; I’m by necessity talking about statistical generalities.)
So gentlemen, here’s my proposal: Stop expecting your wives and children to carry your name. If it’s so important that you keep your name, why would you not think it’s also important to your wife? As to children, let them carry the name of their main parent, or hyphenate if you like, and let them sort those issues later. If you’ve pulled your weight and made a difference in their lives, they might even keep your half.
Here’s a scenario: “I fell in love with you, Jane Smith, and I want to be married to Jane Smith for the rest of my life.” Actually, here’s a real-life example: a man made an unexpected proposal (unexpected because it was early in a relationship) which was accepted, and at some point in the ensuing conversation the woman asked about his thoughts on names. Clumsily, he said something like, “If you don’t mind, I’d rather my name wasn’t on offer.” She breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Thank you.”
Healthy Doubts, Minor Irritations
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