Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
There was a period where I thought it would be good to come out as atheist at my wedding. I felt I could get a two-for-one deal on declarations, that while formally acknowledging my long term relationship in front of other people in a fancy dress, I could slip in that religion is not really for me.
I went on a tangent and thought about all the other things I could declare, as if this was going to be one big cathartic moment. I could report that I feel guilty that I can marry and friends can’t. Promote volunteering as a way of finding a spiritual connection with others. Rant that black and navy should never be worn together. I could advise that being kind should not be underrated.
To me, a wedding is a declaration of intent for, if not life, then for the foreseeable future. To me, my intention toward my partner becomes more real when said in front of my people, not quietly but into a microphone, and not kept to myself, but shown through actions and formality.
The ritual of marrying out loud, of declaring intentions out loud, is a longstanding and odd one. We live in a group and the group wants clarity on the status of others. Vague or hidden meanings are challenging. Hence the ritual with the legal phrases, the forms of dress, the food, the special dances, the flowers (to ward off evil spirits of course), the specially titled helpers and choosing venues that reflect ‘us’.
But more so, I felt that some people at our wedding may misunderstand or not know me and that declaring myself atheist would give them a better idea about who I am (more so than my choice in dress or hairstyle). The irony of trying to indicate individuality in a ritual does not escape me.
Where else though do you get to openly and honestly talk about things that are important to you? I guess I thought that at my wedding people might actually listen to me, because they’ve come to hear my public declaration, although for something else. I like people to be open and encourage the ‘over share’ so I’d be modelling that behaviour.
In the end, recognising that a wedding is a joint ritual and marriage is a shared state helped me to calm the compulsion to define all of myself publically. My wedding will be the only joint ritual occasion I will participate in my life. In the secular world, birthdays and funerals are the only other formal rituals I will be a part of where something defining is said. Though one I find increasingly depressing and the other I won’t even get to participate in as a conscious being.
So I’ve attached all importance to this one.
I have come to realise that it is not a good idea to try to wedge all these declarations between the main declaration of the day. But I will be sharing my opinions more boldly and broadly now. This I declare.