On Teenagers
Adults need to stop asking young people what they want to do or be when they grow up or finish school, and instead, if they want to talk to a young person find our what they are doing or being NOW.
It’s lovely adults care but rather than focus on young people’s ‘future’ perhaps the best way adults could care is to let them know it’s normal not to know or be confused and not to worry about any of that stuff until they are 30.
This is not only because technology has us moving towards less jobs and a living wage.
Often adults ask young people about ‘what they are going to do’ in order to find a subject to talk about. The adult then goes on to approve or disapprove of the young person’s choice, to pigeonhole them or go into a rant about how the correct way the young person should go about their life.
This is not a conversation. This is a way adults create a social interaction so they can tell young people what to do and how to do it.
Teenagers need to focus on being teenagers. There is enough stuff to learn and to do than worry about the pressure to predict what a future self in a future world may want to do. I tell my sons 15, 17 and 20 everything I have needed to know I have learned from travel, living with people and working in hospitality. It’s important for boys and men in particular to be encouraged not to be defined by career or money.
I understand young people may have a desire to see themselves as something other than a kid or a student but I think it’s unwise for that definition to be a job, a profession, a course or a university. So many miserable grown ups have become that way because they have committed to a job/course/profession because of often well meaning people attempting to ‘encourage’ them. This usually manifests as the young person feeling pressure and not wanting to disappoint. Rather than demanding an answer from young people about what they want to do or be perhaps it’s wiser to focus on what they are doing and being and who they are and what they love.
When my kids fret about ‘the future’ I just say ‘You know what you have to focus on right now? Being a 14yo. That’s your only job. Be a 14yo.’
I understand the ‘Say something so adults will stop asking’ but I disagree strongly. There is nothing wrong with young people saying ‘no idea’, actually it’s a far better answer. Not only does a place holder answer put pressure on the young people to follow through but if they change their mind and don’t get the ATAR necessary it makes them feel even worse and as if they ‘failed’ seeing as though they ‘promised’. It also suggests that their present life is of no importance and just a holding pattern and the only thing worth having a conversation about is ‘the future’ when they are ‘an adult’.
It’s almost as if ‘well the only conversation worth having is with an adult or about being an adult’.
Focus on the sport they are into, their social lives, what music they’re listening to, what games they are playing, what YouTubes they are watching, who they are hanging out with, how they are finding their part time job etc. Most the young people I know are very, very interested in discussing politics and culture. They are often far more informed than I am about many things and it makes for a great chat.
Adults need to stop trying to help young people with their future and instead simply witness and encourage their present. Your ‘help’ often isn’t helping.
Another thing I have noticed is that almost all men and boys assume they are going to work full time for their entire lives, I assume to support a family and/or for status and identity. VERY FEW WOMEN HAVE EVER THOUGHT LIKE THIS. Women assume for many reasons they will work full time, part time and not at all due mostly to assuming they will have children and take time out of career to do that.
It’s bizarre that men and boys don’t think that way too. They should and it’s not only about encouraging men to be more involved in caring for their children it’s about encouraging boys and men to care for themselves and not simply see themselves as walking wallets or wage slaves. How many times have you heard women say they want ‘a rich man’ or men say ‘if I were wealthy that women would love me’?
Men need to have more balanced lives and be encouraged to be more rounded people. As men embrace this the added benefit will be giving women more flexibility and less excuses to be financially dependant on others and drop out of participation in and contributing to life outside their front door.
Women and girls need to stop thinking of themselves as being defined by their relationships with others but by who they themselves are, what they think and what they want.
‘What would you like to be when you grow up?’
‘An adult that can think of better things to ask teenagers ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’
On ATAR Results
‘Alan’s leaving’ said my youngest son, ‘His parents are sending him to some private school. How can they afford a private school when they own a $2 shop? If everything is so cheap how can they make any money?’
‘So Alan’s starting year 8 there?’ I said.
‘No they couldn’t get him in when they wanted so he’ll be repeating year 7 next year.’
‘Is this Alan who does two hours tutoring every night?’
‘Yeah and his parents give him $10 a day for lunch but he’s only allowed to play 30 minutes computer games between his tutor and all the homework he gets. The only fun he has is at our school. And now he’s going to some private school because his parents want him to be a doctor.’
‘What about his brother’s and sisters? Is it the same for them?’ I asked.
‘He’s an only child. His family came to Australia three years ago.’
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My eldest son got his VCE marks this time last year. It was a happy day. He was rapt with his ATAR score and delighted with his English mark. English was all he cared about. He’s dyslexic and wants to make a career from words, ideas and stories. Even though he wasn’t focused on a specific score, course or university he got well above the marks to enroll in the course he’s most likely to choose.
Watching my son go through the VCE experience made me understand why and precisely how our current year 12 system is unfair. The best we can hope for is that the VCErs are happy with their score and the felt it reflected their effort and/or ability.
I’ve always said to my kids ‘chose the subjects you love and your life will follow’. The ‘follow your passion’ and ‘do something you love and you’ll never work a day in your life’ encouragement has embedded it another pressure. The pressure to ‘find your passion’. And what if they don’t want to make a living from their passion for the fear it will lose it’s sparkle?
I have no interest in any of my three son’s marks unless they want to share their delight or disappointment. If they walk through the door and said ‘Guess what I got 89% on the test last week!’ I’d say ‘Well done! You must be rapt!’. If they walk through the door and said ‘I’m really pissed off I thought I’d done really well and only got 62% on the humanities essay’ I’d say ‘Well that sucks. Can I make you a milkshake? Would you like me to organize you some extra help? Let me know.’
I have never been focused on my children’s marks, only their behavior, effort and happiness. My hopes have been for them to be resilient and well rounded.
On the day the year 12 results roll in there is always a non stop media stream of spectacular high achievers punctuated by messages of news of how my mates kids and my son’s friends went. The day my eldest son got his ATAR the day dislodged something in me and I reflected deeply and widely.
There were rolling stories about teenagers getting near perfect scores. I wondered how this was even possible. As a dyslexic it’s impossible to conceive how anyone can rote learn or remember even the simplest things. I am 49 and still can’t tell my left from my right.
It was even more difficult for me to imagine wanting those kinds of marks in order to be accepted into the type of courses that required those marks, or even just wanting high marks for the sake of high marks. I’m a completionist not a perfectionist. Ps get degrees and all that.
I was happy for high achieving kids and their teachers. Everybody deserves celebration and recognition. They worked hard and have marks to prove it. But working hard is not guarantee a person will get a result that reflects it.
There would be kids who worked as hard if not harder and received far lower marks on ATAR Monday. Some students work hard, some have huge support, some have a natural ability to find academia effortless, many are blessed with a few of these.
How much of a success is it for a clever kid who finds school work easy and enjoyable with amazing support at school and home to get an excellent ATAR?
I couldn’t help wondering what the costs and the pressures were of those marks for those kids who had done exceptionally well.
I wondered what the high achieving kid’s motivation were. The pressures they were under and the expectations the people around them had of them. I wondered what those kids missed out on. I wondered how they would feel when the thrill of the high mark they received and the prestigious course they were accepted into faded. Would they be happy, relieved and relaxed? Would they feel daunted? Would they feel the approval from their parents was love? Would they be excited about studying an area they were passionate in? Would they be grateful for the incredible sacrifices and investment their parents made and the opportunities afforded them?
Or would they do what was expected of them regardless of their own personal interests. They, their parents, their teachers and school had invested such a huge amount would it seem wrong to ‘waste’ the marks they got and the doors those marks opened?
On the day the scores came out I wondered about the kids with the super high scores. I kept thinking suddenly the bar had been lifted so high for those kids and it was all down hill from here.
When you get an average or above average mark there is plenty of room to surprise or impress. Under promise over deliver. When you score an ATAR of 99.9 and get into medicine or law at Melbourne Uni the only way is down.
Would the parents of students who receive close to perfect ATAR scores feel vindicated by the investment they made in expensive schools and tutors? I’m sure some kids would have enjoyed the challenging ride. Others would have been panicked by the fear of disappointing their parents who had so much hanging on their outcome. Other kids would have failed their parent’s expectations.
Mostly I wondered about the cost. Not financial but human and emotional. Yes they got high marks and no matter how much effort a student, their parents and their teachers put in not all kids would be able to achieve these marks.
Around the time the VCE results came out I joined the biggest VCE Facebook page and lurked a little. After not giving this particular juncture in time any real thought I was suddenly fascinated by what a strange day the ATAR result day is. It means nothing and everything. As I scanned the page there was a mix of students satisfied, thrilled and disappointed. There is so much leading up to this day but so much more ahead for these young people.
The page was full of selfie videos of people getting their results. Some reacting to getting the ATAR they hoped for, some being shocked at a score much lower than they expected and some in disbelief when their expectations were exceeded.
This post broke my heart.
‘For the people think the Asian stereotype is a joke:
I got an atar of 91.65 and my parents weren’t exactly the happiest parents in the world. The first question I got out of them was how come you got such a low atar? What I can’t tell them is that leaving you 8000 miles away in a foreign country with a sister who constantly fights with you, whilst battling depression and constant anxiety weren’t exactly the best of circumstances.’
As the day progressed I thought about the many hundreds of people I knew who’s life’s had not in any way shape or formed turned out the way you would have predicted if you had simply judged it on their year 12 results.
A girl who is also dyslexic received a score well below what she had expected and hoped for. According to her mum she was ‘in shock’. I wanted to run to where ever she was and hug her and tell her it is okay, it’s was okay and it will be okay. The education system is crazy and does not reflect a people’s ability or effort unless you are a particular kind of person with a particular set of genetic and socio economic advantages.
I wanted to tell her an amazing ATAR does not insulate you from unhappiness, failure, self-hatred, abuse, addiction, grief, envy, depression, anxiety, sickness, bad luck or a broken heart.
The girl is fabulous and I can’t wait to see how her story will end, I can’t wait to see the world recalibrate and when she gets her moment to shine that will put this tiny insignificant blip into perspective.
On ATAR results day Facebook threw two articles into my feed back to back. The first article was about parents of 24-year-old twins with severe disabilities. It was a sobering read as the media was constantly updating the perfect scores of perfect kids by the minute. These parents are still parenting their adult children as if they were three years old. I wondered what their expectations for their children were? What would these parents consider an extraordinary achievement. Their daughters showering themselves, catching a bus or getting dressed?
The next article was about a Syrian refugee, Saad Al-Kassab who despite missing out on several years of schooling and only beginning learning English in 2014 received an ATAR of 96.65. He was disappointed. He was hoping for an ATAR score of 98. Saad is going to study medicine his mum wants him to be a doctor.
I can’t stop thinking about Alan who’s starting at ‘some private school’ next year. His parents arrived in this country three years ago and are giving him what they see as the best chance in life. Private school, tutors, high expectations, limited free time and the chance of a better life they never had.
Alan’s parents want him to be a doctor.
I wonder what Alan wants.
Alan is 12 years old.
“The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.” Carl Jung
On Young People
Son: Don’t cook dinner for me tonight
Me: Where you off to?
Son: You know Milo Yiannopoulos?
Me: *heart sinks*
Son: We’re going to the city for this thing
Me: This thing? You’re going to hear him speak?
Son: No way! The lads and I are going to the protest
Me: *heart restarts*
When you teach your kids how to think not what to think you have many moments like this. Sometimes they will be curious about views you don’t share or endorse. In that case I always a take a very relaxed stance and say ‘I’ll be interested to hear what you make of that.’ When they tell me their take on it I nod and make noises.
I never ever try and ‘talk them out of it’ or say ‘that’s stupid you’re an idiot’. I have a lot of faith in all young people. Love them with an open hand.
If you are attempting to raise your child to think for themselves how could you be get angry when they do? Surely you should think ‘Fantastic, they think something I disagree with, clearly they have learned to think and not just mimic their parents.’
Let their intellectual, creative, social and political curiosity do it’s own thing untethered. If you take them on and try to argue with them or change their mind it can pull their own perfectly accurate instinct and moral compass off course. Muddling through to find out what they think is a complicated process as they separate from their parents, find out who they are and become fine young adults.
Another thing we can provide is a soft landing for when they fuck up. A non-judgmental place where they can catch their breath and lick their wounds.
It’s a parents’ job to become redundant.
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I got 51% for HSC English. These days my writing is used on year 12 exams. I also run Gunnas Writing Masterclass all over Australia and have had 6000 people attend since 2014. Yes we do vouchers. Love to see you.