COLUMNS

COLUMNS

  • IMG_0124
    The day my dear little Charlie started school, February 2, 2009 Wednesday, January 28th, 2015
    IT’S 9.45am and I’m drinking champagne, eating muesli and crying alone in my house. Big, fat, salty, wet tears rise up from a place in my belly. I feel another wave of emotion envelop me. Embrace me. Slowly. Will I dive under this one or will I ride it? Can’t stop the waves. Better try ...
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  • Funny-in-Australia_feature
    Australian Citizenship Tests Monday, January 26th, 2015
    You can shove your citizenship test up your poxy date. No one has the right to decide what being Australian is. I was born here and I have no idea. But I do know what it isn’t, and what being Australian isn’t is testing people on what they know about some white pen-pusher’s idea of ...
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  • campbellnewman_feature
    Campbell Newman gets cops to heavy Deveny over Twitter comments Friday, January 9th, 2015
    Yesterday the cops came over. I wasn’t here. They left their card with my teenage son who was home from school. I assume watching porn and mastubating into socks. The cops told Dom to get me to give them a call. They were from the criminal investigation unit. It was one of those flat knacker days ...
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  • HumeHighway_CatherineDeveny
    Road Trip Hume Highway Friday, December 26th, 2014
    I love town slogans. On a trip to Bland to visit the Bland Museum a few years back (don’t ask), the ones I remember were: Albury – A Proud Seat Belt Wearing Community; Gympie – Free Regulated Parking; and Narrandera – Home Of The World’s Largest Playable Guitar. It’s no wonder they call this place ...
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  • Jesus_feature
    ISRAEL Upper Gallilee. Woman identified as ‘Mary’ claims her son Jesus Christ is The Son Of God™. Wednesday, December 24th, 2014
    ISRAEL Upper Gallilee.  A woman identifying herself simply as ‘Mary’  claims her nine-year-old son Jesus Christ is The Son Of God™.  The 28-year-old mother alleges she was a virgin when she gave birth and conceived via ”impregnation of The Holy Spirit”.   According to ‘Mary’, and her son’s followers who refer to themselves as ‘Christians’, her son performs miracles and ...
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  • carols_feature
    Christmas Eve. Carols by Candlelight. Mum’s chucking a wobbly Wednesday, December 24th, 2014
    Deck the halls with aggro and folly.When mum’s in meltdown, ’tis the season to tune into candlelit soapie karaoke….. T’WAS THE NIGHT before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, because mum was chucking her annual Christmas Eve spastic. “You lazy, useless, selfish kids. Oh no, don’t ...
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  • willnotworkforfree_feature
    Exposure? Shove it. Show Me The Money Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014
    Career advice. Two things. Never work for free. Never ask anyone to work for free. Got it? Good. I, like many freelancers, constantly get requests from businesses to work for free. It’s offensive, rude and unprofessional. And very, very common. And not just grass roots groups, multi-national corporations. Let me share with you yesterday’s request which was ...
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  • Christmas_CatherineDeveny
    Christmas? Show me the sedatives and a dark room. Tuesday, December 23rd, 2014
    A time for kids? Rubbish. They’re all just spoilt brats who want more crap. CHRISTMAS? Kill me now. Season to be jolly? Not this little black duck. Wish I was Jewish. Or in jail. Or dead. I s’pose it could be worse. Come to think of it, no it couldn’t. But seriously, you know what I want ...
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  • weird-christmas_feature
    A Christmas column. To say I love you. Saturday, December 20th, 2014
    Just stop it okay? Listen to me. Christmas is fine as long as you take the position that it’s going to be shit. The motto should be Christmas! The perfect time to spend with family. Just not your own family. And that’s the true beauty of Christmas. Be warm in the knowledge that as much as ...
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  • mango_feature
    50 Shades Of Mango Saturday, December 13th, 2014
    OH MY GOD! Did you hear that? It’s mango season o’clock! I know. Shake out the sarong, grab those cheap and cheerful sunglasses and slap on your holiday hat! Golden fever has arrived! Hallelujah! Bright, sunny, yellowy, silky, luscious goodness. It’s enough to make an atheist like me feel as if there really is a god. Intelligent design? Mangos are exotic pleasure incarnate. ...
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