When diarising anything in September you first consult the footy fixture.
You were shocked when you found out not all street directories are called Melway.
When everyone knows where a bar, cafe or restaurant is you no longer want to go there.
You've read The Slap and you hate all the characters despite the fact they remind you of all your friend. And you would have slapped the kid too.
You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound.
You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner.
You'd rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce.
You've attended a children's party that had rice-paper rolls, cous cous salad, croquembouche and a pinata.
You or someone you know has received a grant.
It's not Noosa, it's Noysa. And it's not snow it's the snoy. And it's Malvern now, not Chadstone, thanks to rezoning.
You refer to rococo furniture as 'Very Franco Cozzo'.
You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world with trams.
If I say Jennifer Kyte and Johnny Diesel you know exactly what I’m talking about.
You think the slogan on our licence plates should be 'Melbourne. The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else', 'Melbourne. Go To Sydney. We Hate Tourists' or 'Melbourne. What School Did You Go To?'
You know the word "Moomba" means Up Your Bum, White Man.
You're not happy Melbourne has been voted the World's Most Liveable City. You'd prefer it was voted 'Most Enigmatic, Tortured And Slightly Dangerous City'.
You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi.
You've looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you've watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing, and waved like an idiot.
You think beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing.
Click to read more ...