When diarising anything in September you first consult the footy fixture. You were shocked when you found out not all street directories are called Melway. When everyone knows where a bar, cafe or restaurant is you no longer want to go there. You've read The Slap and you hate all the characters despite the fact they remind you of all your friend. And you would have slapped the kid too. You know Sunshine, Rosebud and the Caribbean Gardens are not as good as they sound. You consider yourself a socialist yet you drive a European car and have a cleaner. You'd rather sit next to Guy Rundle on a plane than Guy Pearce. You've attended a children's party that had rice-paper rolls, cous cous salad, croquembouche and a pinata. You or someone you know has received a grant. It's not Noosa, it's Noysa. And it's not snow it's the snoy. And it's Malvern now, not Chadstone, thanks to rezoning. You refer to rococo furniture as 'Very Franco Cozzo'. You felt betrayed when you discovered Melbourne was not the only place in the world with trams. If I say Jennifer Kyte and Johnny Diesel you know exactly what I’m talking about. You think the slogan on our licence plates should be 'Melbourne. The Coffee Is Shit Anywhere Else', 'Melbourne. Go To Sydney. We Hate Tourists' or 'Melbourne. What School Did You Go To?' You know the word "Moomba" means Up Your Bum, White Man. You're not happy Melbourne has been voted the World's Most Liveable City. You'd prefer it was voted 'Most Enigmatic, Tortured And Slightly Dangerous City'. You think the only person who looks good with a moustache is Ron Barassi. You've looked out the window of Puffing Billy and waved like an idiot at the cars at the railway crossing. And you've watched Puffing Billy pass as you sat in a car at the railway crossing, and waved like an idiot. You think beyondblue does great work but you hate the way it makes Jeff Kennett look good. Which is depressing.
Take the power back and block hate followers.
I REMEMBER when I was about 14 slagging off some poor girl with my classmates. I thought how horrible what we were doing was and how glad I was it wasn't me being bitched about. I comforted myself with the knowledge that at least she didn't know.
I then had the sudden realisation that if we slagged this girl off behind her back and she didn't know, perhaps others slagged me off behind my back and I didn't know.
My heart sank. I then pondered whether, if people were going the hack on me on the quiet, I would want to know. No, I thought, I wouldn't.
The public/private schooling debate hit the news again last week, sparking debate over government funding of those schools – and how the Australian government will respond to the Gonski report.
Catherine Deveny, an outspoken advocate of public education, tells us why she’s so passionate on the topic – and where she believes Abbott and Gillard are going wrong.
‘There is no question of injustice to public schools here,’ Tony Abbott told an independent education forum this week. ‘If anything, the injustice is the other way.‘’ Spoken like a true private school boy.
‘Overall, the 66 per cent of Australian school students who attend public schools get 79 per cent of government funding,’ he said. ‘The 34 per cent of Australians who attend independent schools get just 21 per cent of government funding.’
Bless you Tony Abbott. You are the gift that keeps on giving. Only statements like this might stimulate national discussion to a level that might restore some overdue equity in our education system.
Some call Abbott’s comment fudging the facts. I call it bullshit.
Whether Peter Reith and the Howard government did actually 'stop the boats' is contestable.
That the policy to 'stop the boats' caused misery, loss of life, loss of face, corroded our national reputation irreversibly, made the international community think of Australia as a bunch of redneck racists, reneged on our international obligation as signatories to the UN Refugee Convention and poisoned the welcoming and compassionate heart of Australia is, in my opinion, undeniable. And unforgiveable.
(LATE EDIT! I forgot the term 'self-selection' 'country shopping' and 'luxury packs')
Catherine Deveny explains why 50 Shades of Grey is one of the worst books she’s ever read, with terrible writing and sexual politics alike – but she’s still really glad that people are reading, talking about and being turned on by it.
A few hours after I finished 50 Shades, I found myself at Costco.
I’m not proud of it, I was there for research. (Okay I was there for toilet paper. WHATEVER. I don’t judge your happy place.)
As soon as I walked into Costco, I was faced with 200 copies of 50 Shades Of Grey, plus similar amounts of other two – 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed – all at the mass-produced price of $9.97 each. A wall of porn.
Finding porn in between caterer packs of Cling Film and one kilo buckets of Vegemite in a warehouse can only be a good thing … (even if it is a badly-written book, being sold at a cathedral of corporate maggotry, environmental vandalism and competition consumerism).