IT’S easy to forget that we’re just mammals wearing clothes. I’m always reminded when the spring racing carnival comes around of the primal urge we have as animals to procreate. The females of the species slink about in their strappy, low-cut dresses and high heels, and the males of the species scrub up in their cheap suits and wraparound sunglasses, both drawn to the breeding ground during mating season, and then become socially lubricated with alcohol. Sure, there’s the odd accountant on his RDOs wearing a nappy and sporting a beer can on his head with a tube going into his mouth. He can be explained by the term “natural selection”.
Don’t go thinking that my landscape of friends and acquaintances is one hotbed of adultery, but there has been disproportionate talk (and some action) in recent times on the subject of extracurricular intimacy. We’re talking flings, one-night stands, crushes, online romances and full-on affairs involving people in committed relationships. Which has made me ponder the mammals wearing clothes thing again.
Does anyone want to eat the same meal every night for 40 years? Wear the same shoes every day? Is it possible? Is it healthy?
Lifelong monogamy is an unrealistic expectation that makes people feel like failures. And if you don’t believe me, take one look at the divorce statistics. People are torn between their emotions and an archaic expectation that was conceived when the average life expectancy was 30. Monogamy is a wonderful way to maintain what the church and the state would call “social order” and, more importantly, to ensure paternity to hand wealth down to offspring.
Things are different now. In First World countries most people’s lives are no longer just about survival. Seeing survival’s sorted, we’re distracted by the promise of stimulation, happiness, constant change and upgrading. Eating our way up the food chain via hedonism and desire.
Yes, of course I think lifelong monogamy is a wonderful concept. And I would love to think that we would all find a mate for life and live happily ever after and be buried in the ground side by side for all eternity and never fancy another person. But it’s an unrealistic expectation. That is not to say that we shouldn’t try our best to achieve it. You can’t go into a relationship thinking: “I’ll stay till I get bored or she gets fat.” The mantra of for better or worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health is something that applies to all relationships. Not just sexual ones.
We have to remind ourself that lifelong monogamy is almost impossible and not beat ourselves or other people up if that goal is not reached. Sure, some people manage it, but they are even fewer than you think. Don’t tell me that behind every one of those rock-solid 50-year marriages there hasn’t been a stolen kiss, a lust-filled night or yearning for the one that got away. Forty years without one flush of attraction for another. I don’t buy it.
Lifelong monogamy is as big a fluke and as unattainable a goal as being a supermodel. It’s a lucky equation of genetics, environment and airbrushing.
I’m never surprised that people split up. I’m surprised they stay together. Being in a relationship is not simple. Or easy. Ask anyone. It’s not possible to experience a long-term relationship and not at some stage think: “How bad does it have to be to leave?” No matter how well you think you know someone, you don’t know the person you are embarking on a relationship with. They don’t even know themselves. How is it possible to know how the two of you will grow and change, how you will cope with the different terrains and how you will respond to each other’s reactions? Apparently, arranged marriages last longer than the romantic type. But are they as happy? Or happier?
It’s not your fault if it doesn’t last as long as you would hope. I was almost going to use the word “fail” there as in “it’s not your fault if it fails”. But it’s not about failure. I don’t see the end of a 20-year relationship that has run its course as a failure. Nor do I see a 40-year relationship full of passive aggression, sulking and discontent as a success.
But what about the notion of spiritual theft? An open relationship is one thing, but what about a secret connection on the side that is filling the desire for something more breathless, more glittery, more slippery, more illusive. Something you just don’t get in a long-term relationship. Some people have confided in me that an affair has saved their relationship. We hear all the bad affair stories, but never the good affair stories. Most would say that it’s not right, but I can see that some people may feel that if no one is being hurt, that it is not totally wrong either.
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