Another brilliant piece from a GUNNAS WRITING MASTERCLASS writer.
Once upon a time there was a boy who lived in the most remote part of Australia. It was a dry and marvellous place, with great hills of sand and long flats of stones, and every now and then a storm of rain that would light everything with green for weeks at a time.
The boy had parents who loved him very much, and they did everything they could to make him happy. They read in a book that children should go to school, so they built him a school of his very own. They saw in a documentary that said children like zoos, and so they built one and imported animal after animal to fill it. They had heard from an expert that that children like toys and games and playgrounds, so they bought all that they could and filled the house with plastic gizmos and gadgets and whatsits and sports gear of every different colour.
The boy tried very hard to make use of all these things, but it was never quite right. He tried to play soccer with the panda, but the panda made a terrible goalie. Whenever the ball flew towards him he would roll on his back and cover his face with his paws.
He tried to fly a kite with a meerkat for company, but the wind was too strong and the meerkat was too small so both creature and kite sailed away over the sand dunes and were never seen again.
Every day he would try a new activity with a different animal, but it never worked. The giraffe was hopeless at hockey, the cheetah was no good at checkers, and the day he tried to cuddle up with a peacock to read a book was a complete disaster. He was still finding feathers in his ears weeks later.
His parents, as previously mentioned, loved the boy very much, and so they noticed these efforts and became puzzled by them. One day, his mother asked,
“Why are you so unhappy my dear? You have your own zoo, you have your own school, you have your own toys and games and playgrounds. You have everything a boy could wish for. Why do you always seem so sad?” His parents both looked at him, waiting for the answer with concerned faces.
Because of that, the boy had to think very hard. He knew he had everything a boy could wish for, and he didn’t want to seem ungrateful, so he was arranged his thoughts carefully before he spoke them out loud.
Finally he said, “Mum. Dad. I have my own school, my own zoo and all the games and toys and playgrounds a kid could wish for. And I have two parents that love me, which is a very special thing. But I think I might be happier if I had someone else to play with. I would very much like a friend please. Someone who can kick the ball back to me when I play soccer, who has opposable thumbs to hold a hockey stick, and who is heavy enough that they won’t blow away in a strong gust of wind.
That night, after the boy had gone to bed, his parents sat down for a long talk.
“You know,” said Dad, “We live here in the remotest part of Australia because it’s quiet and peaceful, and we have a lot of space. But because of that choice, our boy has become very unhappy.”
They talked through many different ways to fix the problem. Should they send the boy to boarding school, with other people his age? No, they decided, they would miss him too much. Should they import more children, so that the school they had built would be filled with friends and playmates? No, they decided, the adoption process would probably involve a lot of paperwork, and nobody enjoys that. Finally, they settled upon a plan and told the boy over breakfast the next morning.
“We are going to go on a holiday,” said Dad. “A great long holiday,” said Mum. The boy wasn’t sure where this was going, and continued to eat his Sugar Blams while staring at them over the bowl.
“We’re going to see all the different parts of Australia, until finally, you choose your favourite and we’ll live there from then on.” So the family entrusted the school to a caretaker and the zoo to a keeper, and set off around Australia.
First they went to all the National Parks, and each day the boy would join all the other kids on camping trips to play games and learn about wildlife with the ranger.
Then they went to the cities, to galleries and museums where the boy learned about art and dinosaurs and science in the education rooms, with huge groups of schoolchildren who had come by bus for the day.
Finally, they took a long cruise around the whole coastline, stopping in at little ports and seaside towns along the way. The boy spent every day in the kids club, where the children played games and put on shows every day.
Unfortunately, each time the boy left a group or an education room or a kids club, the supervising adult would take his parents aside and whisper quietly, “Please don’t bring him back. He’s a bit of a shit and the other kids don’t like him.” The boy, it turned out, was rude and mean and bossy and selfish, and very hard to love for anyone other than his devoted parents. At the end of the holiday, they pretended to forget about asking the boy where he wanted to live. All three went back to the school and the zoo in the most remote part of Australia, and the boy returned to playing with the various animals in the zoo. They, at least, were unable to complain.
