Dear ‘It’s A Personal Choice’ Dickheads

CatherineDeveny_DearItsAPersonalChoice

Dear ‘It’s A Personal Choice’ Dickheads,

You do understand questioning a woman’s decision is not ‘attacking her’?

You do understand feminists don’t all have to agree with each other?

You do understand that women also perpetuate systematic sexism?

You do understand the ‘it’s a personal choice’ bullshit is a misogynists mechanism to shut down debate?

You have asked yourself how much of a ‘choice‘ is it if women are coerced by a lifetime of overt and insidious and often sugar coated family/society expectations/cultural pressures, ignorance, lies and manipulation?

You do understand people choices effect all of us and in the case of women changing their name reinforcing the idea women are owned by men and of less value? 

You do understand people make decisions emotionally and back them up rationally? 

You do understand that the reason people say they are doing something is frequently not the real reason they are doing that thing?

You do know what Stockholm Syndrome is?

You do realise we won’t get anywhere nodding and smiling?

You do realise your internalised misogyny is showing?

You do realise ‘It’s traditional’ is not an explaination, defence or excuse for anything?

You do realise that actually, no there are no more important things to worry about than equality?

Are you aware that feminists can do more than one thing at a time? 

And you do realise poverty, sexual violence, gender pay gap, unequal gender representation in positions of power and women changing their names may be linked, enabling each other and all just different forms of power? 

And you do realise that when a woman says something and you get angry and disagree with her and then you try to undermine by calling her ‘angry’ you look like a dickhead? Because a) she’s not angry, you are and b) there’s nothing wrong with being angry but clearly you don’t see it as a ‘ladylike’ quality and you think your disapproval will wound her. And c) we get this all the time. And when we do it never comes with any rational argument met one sexism enabler, met them all. It’s an early warning bullshit detector. 

Oh, and when you tell us we’re bitter, have a chip on our shoulder, are ranting, shrill, too ugly to get laid, swear too much and it undermines our argument, are hysterical, not being nice, not spending our time on what you think we should be spending our time on because there are more important things in the world going on or our writing skills do not pass your quality control despite, unlike you, having a body of work and engaged, intelligent followers we know you’re just another dickhead unable to engage with the topic. And furious it’s just too hard for you. 

It is only when we have equality that we will see how oppressed women have been.

You do realise we don’t need you to agree with us for us to know we are right?

Meanwhile, we don’t give a fuck what you think. But it’s kinda cute you think we do *pat, pat*

P.S.  Why are people so touchy about the name changing thing? If something came up in my feed saying women should be married, change their names and give their kids the name of the kids father I would glaze over it and move on. Why do you give a shit what I think? I don’t even know you.

97% of the people who are going the ‘It’s her personal choice stop tearing Mrs. Clooney to shreds’ are in a marriage where the woman has changed her name. Sad, disturbing and typical how people’s subjective choices get in the way of the reality of understanding enabling systemic sexism. Or even understanding the issue. Which is not suprising. These people are the ones saying ‘it’s just easier’ ‘but I wanted to’ ‘but I hated my surname’ ‘my father was an arsehole’ ‘it’s just easier’ ‘why do you keep going about this’ ‘my husband would have been happy to change his name but I ended up doing it’ ‘because tradition’ ‘it’s just your fathers name anyway’. (No. it’s not. It’s your name. And using that logic you are not taking you husband’s name but your father-in-law’s name.)

The revealing thing is the ‘stop telling people what to do’ retort. Because stating a differing opinion is telling someone what to do. Err, no. How exhausting must life be for these people. Sucks to be them.

I have no problem with people making choices they know are wrong. Just own it and stop defending it. I know I should be a vegetarian for environmental reasons. I’m not. I like meat. I know it’s wrong.

“Yep. I took his surname because of society’s expectation. Also he would be upset if I didn’t, and his family would give me hell. I like being liked. It makes me feel like he owns me and that makes me feel loved and secure. I know it’s sexist.”

Look up Stockholm Syndrome. Look up internalised misogyny. Look up cognitive dissonance. You’re welcome.

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