November 11, 2007
Mention Australian inventions like the rotary clothes line, the wine cask or the bionic ear and people start puffing out their chests, frothing at the mouth and feeling that little bit taller. Me? I couldn’t give a flying rats. People who are proud of Australia’s achievements really need to get a big fat life. Australia didn’t invent these things. People did.
But there is something home grown that, I’m ashamed to admit, has me painting my face green and gold. And that’s dog whistling. I know we didn’t invent the concept we just coined the term but I’m mad for it. Amidst the hand kissing, baby shaking and fog of subterfuge the term dog whistling has cut through the bull. Spin was one thing. Non core promises was another but dog whistling has made us no longer think we’re imagining things. The emperor is starkers. And he has a tiny penis.
My Fellow Australians = white straight people.
John Howard is a clever politician = the guy’s a slimy weasel.
Education revolution = every classroom will have at least one power point.
Since the term dog whistling has popped up, suddenly, it’s everywhere. I feel like I’ve just bought a Vespa and now everyone seems to have one. People dog whistle all the time. And sometimes the dog whistle is actually a wolf whistle. That’s when people attempt to send a specific message to one person but everyone turns around.
I am the Dog Whistle Whisperer. I can also detect wolf whistles, catcalls and primal screams. Here are some I have catalogued over the last few days.
My daughter is gifted = my daughter’s a nerd.
Mum’s very patient = Mum’s passive aggressive and been on anti depressants for years.
Guess how old I am? = Get your fake surprised look ready.
My husband can’t keep his hands off me = We haven’t had sex for months.
Did you make that yourself? = You can’t leave the house wearing that.
What do you do? = Please ask me what I do.
My wife doesn’t understand me = I want to have sex with you because you are 22 and you have a Brazilian.
I’m not ready for a serious relationship = Sex? Yes. Meeting my parents? Forget it.
I didn’t want to buy such a ridiculous car, it was all his idea = I wanted brag about our new BMW and this was the only way I could get into the conversation.
Do you want a plastic bag? = Are you an environmental vandal like all the other customers?
We only eat organic food = I want you to think we’re rich.
I’m a cat person = I’m gay.
The doctor said it was the worst case I’ve ever seen = I am special.
He’s going to get a vasectomy = He’s never going to get a vasectomy.
She’s not normally like this = She’s like this all the time I just wish you hadn’t seen it.
My husband does his share around the house = my husband does nothing around the house but lying to you about it makes me feel better.
We must have you over soon = you’re never coming to our place because your husband’s a prick and you’re boring.
Lovely wedding = It won’t last.
That dress is so retro = My nana died in a dress exactly like that.
I’m a social smoker = I’m a chain smoker.
I haven’t decided who I’m voting for = You’ll laugh if I tell you.
The man, of olive complexion = A wog.
A male of Middle Eastern decent = A terrorist.
The youth, of Asian appearance = see that’s what happens if we let them come here.
Julia Gillard strikes me as a strong woman = I bet she’s a bitch and a ball buster.
The indigenous issue is complex = The black fellas should stop whinging and get their shit together.
I couldn’t wear that outfit but you can really pull it off = Your bum looks enormous in that. Please, take your wine home with you = We’d never drink cheap piss like that.
I’ve got a fast metabolism = I have an eating disorder.
I’m a huge dog whistler. If I say, “Your children are very lively” listen closely and you’ll hear “Your kids are mental and they’ve just trashed my house”.
Can I be honest with you? = Prepare to be offended.
Did I tell you my good news? = Strap on that fake smile because you’re going to hate my guts.
She’s a very good mother = She’s put on 20 kilos and completely let herself go.
They lead a very different lifestyle to us = She’s a doormat and he’s having it off with the babysitter.
I love your hat = I hate it but I have to say something because it’s enormous.
Your house is very lived in = Would it kill you to flush?
They made me feel right at home = I had to bring my own food.