Logies 2006

IF YOU ENJOY WATCHING celebrities eat their own vomit, tune in on Sunday night to watch the Logies. Television’s night of nights is four hours of nauseating, self-congratulatory toss that is so hilarious you can’t help being reminded of the Commonwealth Games.

You’re going to do it. I know you are going to switch over to see the vacuous scrags from Neighbours and Home and Away grin like idiots and laugh like drains as they love themselves stupid down the red carpet.

My personal favourites  are the overpaid, overstayed, overlaid executives trapped in 1985. If only I could take you to the after-party. There you could witness young hopefuls, both female and male, eagerly hair-flick, ego-stroke and dry-hump these filthy,  morally derelict embarrassments for the chance of a hosting job on Totally Wild.

Sunday night’s awards promise to be no less cringy, provincial or tragic than the previous 46 despite the new Graham Kennedy Award for Most Outstanding New Talent. Half of the awards are now peer voted; they are the awards with the word “outstanding” in the titles. The ones voted by 14-year-old girls are those with the word “popular” in the title. For example, “Most Popular Airhead in A Pile of Shit.”

It would be easy to  bag the Logies. Goodness knows, I think I just did but it’s the spirit of the night that I enjoy. The delicious hypocrisy that is the nature of domestic awards is the whole “I think awards are crap” unless, of course,  they win then, they are crying and thanking God faster than you can say  “she has so had work done”.

It’s fitting to see stunning SBS documentaries and ABC public-affairs shows recognised apart from the fact  that it’s alongside programs such as Big Brother 5 and Deal or No Deal.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy some of these shows, I just don’t think that we should celebrate them.

I always look forward to the “overseas star” from the big, wide world patting us on the head and telling us that we  exist just before being asked what they think of Australia. I’d love to hear one say, “Well, from what I have seen, this industry is a depressing  ghetto of nubile, brainless morons who’s only talents are reading an  autocue and growing hair. Where is my bag of cocaine, my massive cheque and that 16-year-old girl who wants acting lessons?”

It is worth mentioning that Play School is the 2006 Logies Hall Of Fame inductee.  Let’s honour Play School by all means but what does it say about our industry when only one woman has been inducted into the Hall of Fame yet the whole of Ramsay Street has? What next? Big Ted nominated for the Gold Logie? But, let’s face it, he’d have a better chance of winning than John Wood.

What I would like to see? Catriona Rowntree dragged behind a ute by her pubic hair, but I think that’s just me.  But they won’t print that.

Do we need the  Logies? No. But God, they are fun and I wouldn’t miss them for the world.

P.S. They didn’t print the Catriona Rowntree linr, they went with the 60 Minutes greasy pig.  Maybe run the column as I wrote it and add the Wish List at the bottom.

Here was the list of alternatives that I sent them to the Rowntree

A mud wrestle between Liz Hayes and Kerri Anne Kennally refereed by a nude Maria Venuti.

The nominees for Best New Talent to settle it in a cage fight.

Daryl Somers to spontaniously combust.

The cast of Home And Away forming a nude human pyramid helped along with 3 kilos of Nutella.

Watching the cast of 60 Minutes play Greasy Pig on an oiled up stage.

Ray Martin getting a back crack and sack wax live on stage.

Hi Five being boiled alive by the fat they have had sucked off the faces.



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