The letter I left on the windscreen of the 4WD parked in our street

27 October 2011

Good Morning!

I’m astonished but not at all surprised by the profound selfishness and complete lack of thought displayed when you parked your car this morning.

I say not surprised because anyone purchasing a dangerous antisocial monster truck like you have (that, like 80% of 4WDs, never leave the metropolitan area and are involved in three times as many collisions, speeding fines, drink driving convictions and failure to wear seatbelt infringements. And as far as backing over toddlers is concerned 4WDs have the game stitched up) would not be known for their thoughtfulness or intelligence.

Nothing that says provincial loser more than a 4WD Mazda. photo

I’m sure you think your car makes you look wealthy. It doesn’t. It makes you look poor. It makes you look like an insecure, aspirational, loser. It makes you look like a poor person trying to look rich.  Like a little girl walking round in mummy’s high heels with lipstick smeared on her face thinking she looks like a grown up. Successful and/or wealthy people would not be seen dead in a car like that. Tacky. Gauche. Vile.  How do I know? I am one.

This spot regularly fits two medium sized cars.  Medium sized cars owned by residents of this street and people who visit them.  Take a look around.  Most people in our street do NOT have driveways. And most have only one car. Many have small children, are elderly and some have a disability.

You’ve managed to park your car so as to take up TWO car parking spots when you could easily fit into one. And yet only three doors up there are over 20 parallel parking spaces. Empty spaces.  There should be public recognition for that level of narcissism.

And this is not the first time. You are a serial offender. Over the years every time I see your suburbanite shrine on wheels I’m reminded of the TISM lyrics, ‘You’re only ever five yards away from a fuckwit.’

I will root Tony Abbott backwards if you own a tent, have ever towed a horse float or own a boat. You work in the area and apparently park near houses for ‘safety and shade.’

I am certain you have a driveway and perhaps a double garage where you live for the cars you need to drive to Chadstone, Fountain Gate, Knox, Highpoint or whatever cathedral of greed you visit to buy stuff you don’t need with money you don’t have to impress people you don’t like.  And you need that double garage to store all your stuff in.  Mouth breathing, chinless food tubes existing only to consume. You are nothing but wetware.

Feel free to continue to display your profound lack of thought and complete disregard for others when you park here in our street.  It reminds us why we ride bikes, drive the cars we do, and have chosen to live here. A place you would never want to live. And not because the houses don’t have en suites for Diesal, Taylah and Beyonce but because ‘it’s full of Muslims, gays and boatpeople.’ Give me boat people over car people like you any day.

Let me guess? Caroline Springs?

I couldn’t help noticing the crucifix hanging from your rear vision mirror. Sucked in. God is not real. You are not his special friend. There is no heaven.

“To the common man religion is true, to the wise it is false, and to the rulers it is useful.” That’s a quote from Seneca. No, he doesn’t play for Carlton.
Enjoy the next seasons of MasterChef, The Biggest Loser and Packed To The Rafters. And don’t forget to pick up the Herald Sun on the way home. You better hurry!  You don’t want to miss A Current Affair.

And by the way your kids aren’t gifted.



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