Tony Abbott. Our Father Who Art In Speedos

Please tell me it’s not too late to nominate Tony Abbott for a Queen’s Birthday honour for his services to patriarchy and his commitment to turn back equality 1500 years.

Apple chief executive Steve Jobs has just announced a digital Tony Abbott – the iKnob 340BC. It’s the first computer to run on power, battery and religion-approved misogyny. This latest technological marvel is guaranteed to bring Australia’s favourite God suck into the Bronze Age.

On Tony Abbott and gifts, the man is the gift that keeps on giving. A little like virginity.

I received a message from a mate who was staying in my house while I was away over summer. No, she hadn’t stumbled on my extensive collection of ”personal massagers”. Something more alarming. A parcel had arrived from the office of Tony Abbott.

His ears? Pope on a rope? A DNA test? It was a signed copy of Abbott’s book Battlelines sent by Mr Deuteronomy himself.

Happy? I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to check out the centrefold. Maybe it’d be scratch and sniff. Mmm – is that incense? Water from Lourdes? The smell of burning witches? I could just picture it on my bookshelf between my copy of The George Pell Story and Fred Nile: An Autobiography.

But I never got to see the book or the personalised message he wrote in it – a friend nicked it; she left it at work and someone nicked it from her desk. Not just stolen by one person but two. And, hilariously, both were working at the ABC. So much for Aunty being a hotbed of pinkos, lezos and poofs.

I have no idea why people are still banging on about Abbott’s comment about a woman’s virginity being a gift. What do you expect? He’s a conservative, right-wing Catholic whose reality only existed in the imagination of Pope Pius VII. I think he sees himself as a cross between Jesus Christ and Hugh Hefner.

ATHEIST NEWS FLASH: Richard Dawkins working on a new book, The Tony Abbott Delusion.

Our Tony, who art in Speedos. Hallowed be thy blame. Women are uncovered meat left out for the cat. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done. On earth as it is in the Vatican (where even they think you’re taking their dogma a bit too far). Give us this day our daily clean feed. And forgive us our global warming nonsense. As we forgive those scientists who have no idea what they’re talking about with their evidence: ”reason” and ”proof”. Lead us not into temptation (please put your shirt on). But deliver us from equality, secular government and a republic.

Will someone please ask Tony what his stance on evolution is. And masturbation – is it OK if you are married?

Tony Abbott old fashioned? They were calling him old fashioned in 1372. Women’s virginity a precious gi

ft? A box of Lindt balls, a ”personal massager” and the latest Ikea catalogue – now that’s a precious gift.

Sacredness bestowed on virginity is a smokescreen to veil the deep desire to oppress and control women. It’s reinforced by the majority of society who buy into it in even in a most diluted form.


But I love that Abbott doesn’t censor himself. He’s voicing what a lot of people think. Pauline Hanson’s white supremacy tapped into a nasty undercurrent of racism, forcing people to put their heads on the block. Tony’s archaic and hypocritical views are forcing people to ‘fess up and more often than not as they spit out their weasel words you get solid proof of the depth of the patriarchy we live in. I can’t help wondering if Abbott’s working undercover for the feminists, the atheists and the left. Tony Abbott and I are alike. He’s making everyone realise the emperor’s not wearing any clothes as well. The only difference between him and me is that he’s the emperor. And so are his mates.


Go Back