Tonight is my work office Christmas party and seeing as though I’m my own boss I’m going to tell myself to get fucked, photocopy my arse and leave it on my own desk and wake up in my own bed screaming ‘I SLEPT WITH MY BOSS!
The office Christmas party is officially an opportunity to boost morale and reward workers, but it’s generally the one night of the year it’s possible to tear your life a new one.
If you’re lucky, it’ll be an all-night backstab, but it’s more likely to be an evening spent engaged in the conversational equivalent of pulling teeth with people who perform the miracle of making your own family seem fun, warm and attractive. Despite what they say, ”getting to know each other” is not a good idea. See anyone you’re related to or involved in a long-term relationship with for details.
Because of this, a certain amount of social lubricant is involved. If you find yourself thinking, “I haven’t been this drunk for ages!” you should have left three Bacardi Breezers and eight highly offensive remarks ago. Chances are you’ll wake the next morning in a pool of your own self-hatred, paranoia and body fluids. If you can’t remember what happened, the photos uploaded to the website When Good Employees Go Bad should fill the gaps. Or Jim from marketing lying next to you wearing nothing but a lanyard may be able to help.
Some words of wisdom and warning on the office Christmas party. The three main dangers are getting drunk, committing career suicide and cracking on to workmates. The fourth is all the above. It’s a trifecta that nobody wins.
The people who leave early are the ones you should hang out with (and no, they don’t have another party, a migraine or a babysitter to relieve. They just have a life). But the ones keen to ”kick on” to the point of ”back to my place for a spliff and some home brew after the casino and karaoke” are the ones you will end up hanging out with. You. Have. Been. Warned.
Stay away from men in novelty ties, women in antlers and body glitter or anyone who has recently separated. Trust me.
“I used to think you were a wanker” is not a good conversation starter. Nor is, “If I was running the place” or “Sorry if I’m getting a bit rapey”. Particularly if you’re talking to your boss. Or her husband.
When photocopying your arse, it’s dishonest to use the reduce feature. And make sure it’s the photocopier – not the microwave. Best if all appliances, including the shredder and the sandwich maker are unplugged before the festivities begin.
”Kris Kringle” is German for ”shit present”.
If you know someone won’t be back next year but they don’t, DON’T tell them. Instead say: ”Don’t spend too much on presents,” “Make the most of your holiday” and ”Whatever happens, good luck with next year!” Don’t say, “Has Rod spoken to you yet?”
If you find people are saying to you, ”Don’t spend too much on presents,” “Make the most of your holiday,” ”Whatever happens, good luck with next year!” or “Has Rod spoken to you yet?” drink as much as you want and steal as much as you can.
Sitting the office atheist and the resident hardcore Christian together will be a welcome distraction from the office loser who’s elfed himself doing the Macarena three hours in.
Partners – yes or no? No. Lie if you have to.
Play boredom bingo. If in any one conversation you get asked, “So did you get here all right?” “What are you doing over Christmas?” and “You going away at all?” pull your shirt over your head and run round the room yelling, “Bingo! Bingo!”
And finally, a word to bosses: Don’t come. If you do, don’t make a speech. If you make a speech, make it short and funny or slurry and offensive. So not only can we take the piss when you go but so you give us the gift of making our behaviour seem tame by comparison. And so you know, nothing says ”job well done” and ”we appreciate you” like money. We don’t want a hamper. We want money.
Rule of thumb: ladies – never get your tits out. And fellas – cougars by night, dogs in the morning.
What happens at the Christmas Party should stay at the Christmas party. But generally it doesn’t.
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