Love MWF!

Thursday I spoke at Wheeler’s Centre with The Drum’s Jonathan Green, Crikey’s Tom Cowie and First Dog On The Moon about getting and losing jobs online….

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Friday I hosted a huge bash at BMW Edge Bryce Courtnay, Alice Pung, Ben Pobjie, Steve Kilby and China Mieville.

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And Saturday morning was my happy ending at I talked comedy with Tony Martin, Charlie Pickering and Steve Toltz.  Check this.  Happiest girl in the world…..

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The bad news? I slept in my car on Wednesday night. The good news is because I’d planned to, I’d had the car cleaned for the first time since 1996. When I picked the kids up from school they thought I’d bought a new car.

I slept in my car alongside dozens of others, by choice, in an event organised by WISHIN (Women’s Information, Support and Housing In The North) to raise awareness about the escalating rise in homeless women and the shameful lack of resources. Particularly for older single women with no history of mental illness or addiction. Women who have worked hard all their lives, often raised children and owned homes. Relationship breakdown plus shortage of affordable safe housing plus financial crisis and homelessness can be one rent payment away from sleeping rough. These women do not feel safe in much of the traditional emergency accommodation nor do they fit with the homeless due to mental illness or substance abuse. So many stay with friends or sleep in their car. Some with their children. In Australia. None of them ever expected to be homeless. These homeless women in the large part are invisible.

Homeless people are homeless for different reasons and have different needs and vulnerabilities. The current Government has put a huge injection of funds into homelessness. But it’s catch up money. And only a small portion of it. The Government needs to commit to ongoing funding so the people can do what they do and not have to spend all their time chasing money.

We gathered together people from welfare groups and compassionate others in the hall of an inner-city Melbourne church and spent the night eating pizza, drinking tea from paper cups and singing. We all wore hoodies that read EVERY WOMAN NEEDS A SAFE HOME EVERY NIGHT. The local MP Kelvin Thompson rocked up. He understood that? Homelessness arises from a cycle of disadvantage. There was a bit of a talkfest and eventually we all bedded down in our cars or the hall.

I tweeted the night. Call it micro-reporting. With the hashtag #wishinacar. Thousands of people on Twitter followed the night. Because if you don’t know what to do, do anything. And if you want to do something advocate, participate or donate.

It’s not rocket science. All it takes is homes to end homelessness. There’s a critical lack of services and awareness about women’s homelessness. These women are homeless through social and financial reasons. They are falling through the cracks. And there’s no welcome mat. No safe place for them. There is a new profile of homeless women who have different vulnerabilities and needs.

The report released on Tuesday about this issue “It Could Be You. Female, Single Older Homeless” found that women over 50 have 50 per cent less savings than men. Women get paid for half the working years of men. Women peak at half the income of men. Women age much poorer than men. There are no policies and no plans to meet the need of this rising wave of a different profile.

An interesting exchange between one of the professional women and one of the welfare workers that evening:

Welfare worker: “How much do you pay your cleaner?”

Professional: “$40 an hour.”

Welfare worker: “And you know what I make for putting people’s lives back together? $22 an hour.”

This welfare worker later shared with me that she knows she herself could be only a relationship breakdown and some bad luck away from being homeless. Discrimination against women and particularly single women had a lot to do with it.

When I was a little girl, our family lost our home. When I asked where would we live Mum said, “We may end up living in the car.” Then the car got repossessed. At the 11th hour we got allocated a commission house. Not whingeing. Just saying this is something that affects many people.

During the night I met Lisa, a woman who’s been homeless for the last few years sleeping and at times sleeping with her beautiful kids, who I also met in a car. A brave, articulate, more incredible woman as you’d ever meet. I couldn’t stop thinking, “Where’s her medal. Where are all their medals?”

When it was time to go to sleep, I hopped into the back seat of my little Toyota Corolla and for the first time wished I owned a four-wheel drive. It was cold and cramped and I thought, ‘This time last night I felt safe and loved and fell asleep by candlelight. Falling to sleep in my car on the side of the road I feel abandoned, discarded and exposed. Cold and alone.’ I couldn’t stop thinking about Lisa and her kids. And the other 105,000 people in Australia who sleep rough every night. Lisa never expected to be homeless??? No-one expects to be homeless. I was cold, miserable and uncomfortable all night. I woke feeling like rubbish. I slept like a question mark and as soon as I got up started googling numbers for a physio.

I was happy and grateful to be driving back to my place. I longed for my bed like a lover. I’m now laying my head down and pulling my blankets around me thinking ‘There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.’ My wish in a car is for this time next year for at least five more women who would have been sleeping rough to be able to put their head down on a warm bed, in a safe house that they can afford and have the same experience. Because there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Catherine Deveny is a Melbourne-based comedian, writer and mother of small boys. She no longer writes a column for The Age.

So, writer, photojournalist and beautiful man Chris Beck made this TV pilot using me as a guinea pig late 2007 with Renegade (the producers of Rockwiz). “It’s in part arts show, talk show, celebrity interview and creation of a powerful new portrait.”  Chris’s words.  Not mine.  So anyway this was shot late 2007 at my place with my kids and their dad after I’d just launched my first book. I hate my eyebrows and am looking a bit chunky but I thought you guys might like to have a squiz.  I think the show is a great concept. Love the show.  Hate myself. As you do.  Send Chris some love and tell him what you reckon or book him for work at www.chrisbeck.com.au.

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Morning television is the intellectual equivalent of having Burger Rings, smokes and an asbestos bong for breakfast (a big hello Shane Warne if you’re reading).

My firm belief as a professional in the area of “What I reckon based on no evidence or qualifications whatsoever” is that AM TV turns brains into lumps of ash coloured phlegm that smell like Laurie Oakes’ crack. Let’s not call it a belief but a hypothesis shall we? And while you’re at it you can call me Professor.

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November 11, 2007

Mention Australian inventions like the rotary clothes line, the wine cask or the bionic ear and people start puffing out their chests, frothing at the mouth and feeling that little bit taller.  Me? I couldn’t give a flying rats.  People who are proud of Australia’s achievements really need to get a big fat life.  Australia didn’t invent these things.  People did. 

But there is something home grown that, I’m ashamed to admit, has me painting my face green and gold. And that’s dog whistling.  I know we didn’t invent the concept we just coined the term but I’m mad for it. Amidst the hand kissing, baby shaking and fog of subterfuge the term dog whistling has cut through the bull. Spin was one thing.  Non core promises was another but dog whistling has made us no longer think we’re imagining things. The emperor is starkers. And he has a tiny penis.

My Fellow Australians = white straight people.

John Howard is a clever politician = the guy’s a slimy weasel.

Education revolution = every classroom will have at least one power point.

Since the term dog whistling has popped up, suddenly, it’s everywhere.  I feel like I’ve just bought a Vespa and now everyone seems to have one.   People dog whistle all the time.  And sometimes the dog whistle is actually a wolf whistle. That’s when people attempt to send a specific message to one person but everyone turns around.

I am the Dog Whistle Whisperer. I can also detect wolf whistles, catcalls and primal screams.  Here are some I have catalogued over the last few days.

My daughter is gifted = my daughter’s a nerd.

Mum’s very patient = Mum’s passive aggressive and been on anti depressants for years.

Guess how old I am? = Get your fake surprised look ready.

My husband can’t keep his hands off me = We haven’t had sex for months.

Did you make that yourself? = You can’t leave the house wearing that.

What do you do? = Please ask me what I do.

My wife doesn’t understand me = I want to have sex with you because you are 22 and you have a Brazilian.

I’m not ready for a serious relationship = Sex?  Yes.  Meeting my parents?  Forget it.

I didn’t want to buy such a ridiculous car, it was all his idea = I wanted brag about our new BMW and this was the only way I could get into the conversation.

Do you want a plastic bag? = Are you an environmental vandal like all the other customers?

We only eat organic food = I want you to think we’re rich.

I’m a cat person = I’m gay.

The doctor said it was the worst case I’ve ever seen = I am special.

He’s going to get a vasectomy = He’s never going to get a vasectomy.

She’s not normally like this = She’s like this all the time I just wish you hadn’t seen it.

My husband does his share around the house = my husband does nothing around the house but lying to you about it makes me feel better.

We must have you over soon = you’re never coming to our place because your husband’s a prick and you’re boring.

Lovely wedding = It won’t last.

That dress is so retro = My nana died in a dress exactly like that.

I’m a social smoker = I’m a chain smoker.

I haven’t decided who I’m voting for = You’ll laugh if I tell you.

The man, of olive complexion = A wog.

A male of Middle Eastern decent = A terrorist.

The youth, of Asian appearance = see that’s what happens if we let them come here.

Julia Gillard strikes me as a strong woman = I bet she’s a bitch and a ball buster.

The indigenous issue is complex = The black fellas should stop whinging and get their shit together.

I couldn’t wear that outfit but you can really pull it off = Your bum looks enormous in that. Please, take your wine home with you = We’d never drink cheap piss like that.

I’ve got a fast metabolism = I have an eating disorder.

I’m a huge dog whistler.  If I say, “Your children are very lively” listen closely and you’ll hear “Your kids are mental and they’ve just trashed my house”.

Can I be honest with you? = Prepare to be offended.

Did I tell you my good news? = Strap on that fake smile because you’re going to hate my guts.

She’s a very good mother = She’s put on 20 kilos and completely let herself go.

They lead a very different lifestyle to us = She’s a doormat and he’s having it off with the babysitter.

I love your hat = I hate it but I have to say something because it’s enormous.

Your house is very lived in = Would it kill you to flush?

They made me feel right at home = I had to bring my own food.